I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
