tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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