whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
