I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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