I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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