Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
