tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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