It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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