i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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