Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
