we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
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Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
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I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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