she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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