Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
