the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
