Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
