Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
