I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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