So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
