an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
