he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
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