You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Randomize
