There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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