My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
