My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
