And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
