So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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