He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
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