so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
