She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
We need to get me chipped asap
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
