He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
