i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
