she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
i came on her dog
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
