then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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