I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
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as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
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I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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