All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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