we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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