A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
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Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
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Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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