On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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