Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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