haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
