The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
