Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
