Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
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