also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
