Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
