Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
