I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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