The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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