The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Randomize
