and my herpes radar will keep us safe
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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