my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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