I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
