Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
