I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
